Face the WALL

Every Tuesday I am oblige to attend a session about administrative training/concepts/projects. I can still remember that I was so sleepy last Tuesday during the session. Yes, I can clearly hear what the speaker was saying but not all were getting into my system that much...until I heard the thing about THE WALL. It caught my attention and I believed I forgot that I was a sleepy head during that time.

The Brother speaker said in our lives we are passing 6 stages. When we are young, there is dependence to others because of course we need to be fed, we need shelter and clothing. In the second stage,I believe it's about gradually moving out from dependency because people have graduated already and have works now. In the third stage, this is the time wherein people are more on achievements, building or reaping the fruits of their own efforts. This is more on prestige, power, materialism.

The WALL comes in stage 4.

He said this is the stage of our lives wherein we are faced with problems, sickness, feeling of being incomplete, feeling of being tired with life because of so many reasons. People do not like to face the wall. Why? This is because you will see here what you did to your life, the story of your liffe will be shown like in a movie. You will see the good, bad, and the worse part of you. It is like a mirror of your past that will haunt you. And if you want to face this wall, you have to face yourself. You have to accept who you are and all the wrongs that you did to yourself. It is actually ACCEPTANCE. Bad or good...you have to accept them all. It is really hard to cross and face this WALL in our lives because it takes courage, humility and maturity to do it.

For once, I asked myself if I unknowingly faced the WALL already. After a week of thinking (yes, I thought of this for so many times before I sleep at night huh), I can say I HAVE FACED THE WALL bravely...and I am proud of it.

In my 34 years of existence, I have experienced happiness and sorrows, I've made mistakes, I suffered, left out in the dark...but I managed to get out from hell(of emotions) and smile again. How did I do it? I faced the wall...I have admitted my mistakes...I have promised that I will love myself and not let others abuse my kindness...I have accepted the directions that God wants me to be(no questions asked)...I have promised Him that I will be more prayerful.

That's my experience...and for me...because of that..I have faced the wall.

Ilaw Ng Aming Tahanan

Malapit na ang kaarawan ng aking ina. Taun-taon ay lagi kong naiisip ang pamamatnubay, pagmamahal at pagsasakripisyo niya para sa aming lahat.

Masasabi kong napakasipag ng aking ina. Pagmulat ng kanyang mata mula umaga hanggang gabi ay inaasikaso niya ang aking mga kapatid, ang aking ama, pati na ang kanyang mga apo. Kung tutuusin ay hindi na niya dapat ginagawa ang sobrang trabaho na nakikita kong ginagawa niya pag umuuwi ako sa Tuy. Sa isang tulad niyang sisenta y singko na,dapat ay nagpapaalwan na siya sa buhay. Pero hindi, ginagampananpa rin niya ang pagiging ulirang ilaw ng tahanan, walang pagod sa pagpaparamdam ng kanyang pagdamay at pagmamahal. Kaya naman pag umuuwi ako sa Tuy, pinipilit kong akuin ang mga ginagawa niya. Maaga akong gumigising para maglinis ng bakuran, magluto, maglinis ng bahay, maghugas ng pinggan. Duon man langmagawa ko siyang pagpahingahin kahit isa o dalawang araw lang.

Kilala niya ng lubusan kaming mga anak niya. Isang halimbawa ay pag kinukumusta niya ako kapag ako ay umuuwi. Maawa raw ako sa sarili ko kung hanggang alas onse ng hatinggabi ay gising pa ako. Inuusisa niya sa akin ang personal kong buhay, kung ano na ang nangyayari sa akin, na lagi akong mag-iingat dahil mag-isa lang ako sa Cavite, mag-isang dinadala ang sarili ko. Hindi ko na ipinapaalam ang mga hirap na nararanasan ko sa buhay ko para lamang mapatakbo iyon ng maayos. Ayaw ko na iniisip pa niya ako. Pero ang huling problema na hinarap ko, di ko na naitago pa dahil kung sa tanim sa bukid ay kasabihang humapay ako, binagyo. At naroon ang mga pamilya ko, ang mga kapatid ko, ang mga magulang ko, ang inay ko...inunawa ako, at ibinibigay pa rin ang pagtitiwala na para sa unang anak na tulad ko. Hindi ko makakalimutan ang matalinhagang pangungusap ng Inay,"Sa tamang panahon magiging masaya ka din. Hayaan mo lang ang tadhana ang mamili ng tamang tao para syo. Wag mong ipilit ang mga bagay bagay, darating yon sa panahong di mo inaasahan. Huwag matigas ang ulo mo."

Minsan naisip ko na kahit kahawig ako ni Tatay,madami akong minana kay Inay. Ang pagiging malakas, masipag, mapagmahal, at kakayahang magsakripisyo ang ilan lamang sa mga iyon. Ipinagpapasalamat ko ang magandang paghubog niya sa akin na tumayo sa sariling paa ang naging kaagapay ko sa mga bagyong dumaan sa buhay ko, na kahit anong lugmok ay babangon ulit.

Alam kong hahanapin niya ang presensiya ko sa kanyang kaarawan dahil malayo ako. Naghihintay lang ako ng tamang araw para mapasaya ko naman muli ang aking ina...kahit mahuli pa ako. Maligayang kaarawan sa nag-iisang tao na iniidolo ko....ang aking Ina.

Faces...through the years

Different poses...different faces? Which do you think is the real me?

Get a Life

I do not know if all these works are meant to keep myself from thinking many problems. But just the same, it helps.

From 8am till 4:30PM, I am getting gaga with the works in my department(from post conferences to long meetings, etc). I must not feel the pain of whatever problems I have now, my subordinates need me, my kids need me, my siblings look up to me, people are expecting much from me. It's do or die. And I don't want the negative vibes to swallow me alive, so here I am ....surviving, taking each time to get up and start all over again.

I will give a rest to my ....no, I don't want to call it foolishness. I will call it sweet arrest. Charge everything to experience.

Josie is right. I must get a life. I must not abuse myself, I must enjoy because life is short. Who knows, maybe this time I may find the right one.